sigh no more, no more



(about me & about my friends)
katie ★ 18 ★ bowie enthusiast to the nth degree ★ foREVer

"i am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance."

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"without you, what would i do?"

When I was five years old, my next door neighbour handed me a VHS tape without a label and without a case. I didn’t really understand why she was giving it to me, but she said it was a kid’s film and that I’d probably like it. I neglected it for a couple of months (mostly because I’d forgotten about it), but finally remembered it and popped it into the VCR. Enter obnoxiously skinny man with unbelievably tight pants and a blonde wig. Cue my life changing forever.

Making the decision to watch that tape, though not exactly what one would call a ~big decision, was one of the best of my life. I have to admit that I fell in love and I watched it over and over and over again. My dad was on the road at the time. My mum didn’t know who was playing Jareth and I asked my neighbour, but she didn’t either. She told me it was just something her grandkids liked and she’d thought I’d like it, too. I had to wait for my dad to get home and finally, he identified him for me. David Bowie.

My dad was the one who got me into music. Since I left the womb, my life has been filled with The Rolling Stones, Queen and Led Zeppelin and later, Kid Rock and Papa Roach. My mum hated that he let my brother and I listen to that kind of stuff, and I revelled in it. And when I discovered Bowie, that was kind of it for me. Sure, I’ve had my boy band phase and all, but it always comes back to my roots in classic and glam rock. He introduced me to David’s music outside of just the Labyrinth soundtrack. I was hooked and I knew it was for life.

Without going into too much detail about my dad, I’ll just say that we don’t have a really great relationship right now and we never really have. We’ve always been closer than my mum and I, but not by a lot. My dad was ALWAYS on the road. And then my parents split up and got divorced and he took off to Florida, and now he’s back in Maine. You’d think with just three hours or so separating us, we’d see each other more often. But I’m lucky if I get to see him once a year.

David was there for me through all of that stuff. He got me through those times when I cried because I just wanted my daddy. He got me through the divorce. He got me through all of the fights with my mum. I have to be honest about this because it is a part of my life - I have contemplated suicide many times since I started middle school. I fought with my mum almost every day, I never saw my dad, and there were these awful moments when I felt like things would never, ever get better. David Bowie got me through all of that.

Everything about that man fascinates and inspires me. His music and the way he makes it, his personality, the things he does and says, the things he has done… just everything. He is my heart and soul and I couldn’t and wouldn’t trade that for anything. He has taught me how to think and question, and he has taught me how to be myself. I could’ve grown up with a personality that was a product of religious fanatics who threw the Bible at me for everything. (Stomach ache? Pray about it. Toothache? Pray about it.) Instead, I grew up not hating people for who they are and not judging people for what they like.

For the longest time, I was scared to talk about my love for David and other artists like him because my family expects perfection. They want white picket fences, two perfect, straight-A students for children, and a golden retriever. They want church on Sundays and prayer at every meal and before bedtime. And that has never been me. Especially not after David began to influence me in every aspect of my life. And now I know that I shouldn’t have to apologise for the things I love and who I am. He taught me how to think for myself and how to just be happy with being me. He taught me how to stand up for myself. He taught me that I should just live my life and not worry about the people who consistently try to make me unhappy.

Truthfully, I don’t understand how you can have a love for someone for thirteen years and wake up and love them more than you did yesterday. But that’s how it is. Every time I see a picture of him or watch one of his videos or interviews… I love him even more. I might never fall in love and I might lose all my friends and I might die way too young or I might live to be one hundred, but there will always be one constant in my life, and it’s him. There have been days when he’s been the one thing keeping my entire world moving. He’s been the one thing keeping me grounded.

I wish I could tell him about every time he has made me cry or laugh or act silly because of things he has said, written or done. I wish I could tell him about every single thing I feel about him because I am so deeply enamoured with his very existence. I wish I could tell him each and every single reason why I am so dedicated to him. I wish I could tell him in any number of words how much I adore him, how much I love him, and how much he means to me. There’s so much I wish I could say, but if I had just a second to say something, it would be “thank you.” Because without him, I would not be here to even express any of this right now.

There will be moments in my life when I am scared; scared to move, scared to do, scared to breathe, scared to think… just scared. My relationships will falter and/or fail, and my heart will feel broken beyond repair. I will wake up feeling mediocre some days and I will be fired from jobs. I will disappoint people, including myself, and I will want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I will doubt my capabilities and my strength, as well as my sanity. I will have a thousand bad days, I will hate everyone and everything, and I’ll feel depressed. There’ll be moments where I’ll wonder if I exist for a purpose. But those are just moments. And there will be good ones, too. Good days to counter the bad.

I’ll take chances and risks and love that I’m alive. I’ll feel lighthearted and wake up knowing that I’ve made something of my life and myself. I’ll make everyone proud and I’ll feel on top of the world. I’ll have wonderful people in my life and I’ll appreciate the sun just for shining. And through all of those good and bad times, he will be there. He may have passed on by that time, but he’ll always be just a play button away. He’ll still be there for me like he has been since I was five. There is peace in that play button, a kind of peace that doesn’t come from anything else. Thank god for his existence.

Believe it or not, I still don’t think that any of these words are enough. They go deep, but my adoration for him is bottomless. My love for him is overwhelming, undying, and unconditional. All I can say is thank you for what he has done for me; for saving me, for making me think, for just existing. They say that perfect doesn’t exist, but screw that. He is perfection. I love him more than anyone could ever know or understand.